For 2025, we wanted to shake things up a bit. We presented you with two options, both described as funny, and you chose Just by Looking at Him; a witty and honest exploration of love, queerness, disability, and identity by Ryan O’Connell.
I had seen the novel mentioned by readers I trust, and its cover is absolutely stunning. Still, the book surprised me. Its tone felt reminiscent of watching a TV show, which makes sense given that the protagonist, Elliott, works as a screenwriter. The humor didn’t always resonate with me, but that’s a me problem. My sense of humor is peculiar and specific, so I rarely find “funny” books truly funny. That said, there were plenty of moments that made me smirk.
As the novel progressed, I found myself liking it more and more. Toward the end, the humor takes a backseat to focus on deeper themes, like the journey of self-discovery and recognizing one’s own worth. Elliott’s conversations with his father and reflections on disability created a tender, raw atmosphere, and I felt privileged to witness those moments.
The novel also prompts important thoughts about representation. To believe something is possible for yourself, you often need to see others like you pursuing their dreams. Representation shapes what our subconscious perceives as achievable. Without it, going against the current becomes a lonely and difficult journey—one that only those who’ve attempted it can fully understand.
Like the author himself, Elliott lives with cerebral palsy, which influences how he sees his body and its place in society. Cerebral palsy is a disability we still don’t hear much about, and Elliott wonders when the broader conversation around disability will include it. I hope that happens soon, as these stories deserve to be heard. Our bodies play such a significant role in how we express and experience our identities, and this novel captures that beautifully.
Elliott uses physical intimacy with other men to assert agency and express himself. Touch becomes a language, a way of saying: I accept you. Ultimately, though, Elliott needs to find a way to extend that message to his own body and soul.
Just by Looking at Him is a beautiful read, even if the humor wasn’t quite my taste. Still, the humor had its place, and I’m glad I gave this novel a chance.
<3 J
Just By Looking At Him is a story about coming into your body and learning to be comfortable just as you are.
If you’ve been part of our book club or have been reading our reviews each month, you’ll know without a doubt that Just By Looking At Him stands out against the rest, at least tonally. But thematically, the novel’s exploration of self-discovery, identity, and yearning for something more fits snugly into Tender Philosophia’s selection of books so far. Ryan O’Connell tells a story of internalized homophobia and ableism in a refreshing, funny way. We follow Elliot, a gay and disabled 30-something TV writer with a “perfect” boyfriend. I highly recommend listening to the audiobook, which O’Connell narrated himself.
Elliot was brought up believing he wasn’t allowed to want anything more than he can get because of his disability and queerness. After listening to his boss’s story involving a sex worker, Elliot finds himself desiring things and doing things he never considered before. His self-sabotage tendencies ruined his “perfect” relationship, yet in doing so, it led him to find his true self. O’Connell cleverly stirs empathy from his readers even though he hurts people who care about him.
I found the relationship between Elliot and his dad especially heartwarming. Elliot and his dad are at times uncomfortably honest with each other, but it’s beautiful to see a queer character have such a great relationship with their parent or parents. His dad is his friend, and Elliot can lean on him when he needs it.
Without spoiling anything, I was surprised at how soft and tender the ending was in contrast to the rest of the book. It showcases an arriving at—or in—oneself and the strength of self-acceptance.
“Sex is a way of announcing yourself, of telling another person who you are, and that night I realized I’d been presenting myself as someone I wasn’t and using sex as a way to escape my body rather than inhabit it.”
Just By Looking At Him is a thought-provoking read that I don’t think I would have picked up if it weren’t for this book club, so here’s to more inclusive reading in 2025!
<3 D
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